Buenos Aires has far too many transvestite prostitutes walking around at night.

Before you go jogging in the evening, it’s better to be absolutely sure you’ll be back by the time the sun sets, or wait until the next morning. FYI.

The other day, I struck up a conversation with a girl, and, after she asked me to tell her something in English, attempted to teach her how to say “Hi”.

“Hi es ‘hola’ en inglés”. I wrote it down.

“Eee?”

No, “Hi”!

This went on for like ten minutes. I left believing she would never speak a single word of English.

Today, I saw her again, and, to my shock, the first thing she said was “Hi, Matt”. She said it in a smooth, confident voice, without a hint of an accent. She sounded like a reporter for CNN. Her pronunciation was so startlingly flawless that I thought she must’ve been messing with me when I first met her.

Recognizing I’d been had, I sort of grinned and said, “Hey, what’s going on?”

“No entiendo nada.”

Which just goes to show that it’s never a good idea to jump to conclusions too quickly.

This past Saturday night, everyone in Buenos Aires moved their clocks ahead one hour. I managed to make it until tonight without realizing this.

I was wondering why everything seemed to be happening on time this week.

Buenos Aires has an empanada place on every corner. My favorite one is called Cümen-Cümen, on J.L. Borges & Guatemala. (There are two other locations, as well.)

The best thing on the menu is also the smallest and cheapest thing on the menu: the empanadita de dulce de leche. When eaten hot, it’s awesome.

My visits to Cümen-Cümen progressed like so:

Visit #1: “Por favor, una empanadita de dulce de leche”.

Visit #2: “Por favor, 3 empanaditas de dulce de leche”.

Visit #3: “Por favor, 12 empanaditas de dulce de leche – son para una fiesta.” (Yes, that was a total lie, and no, I didn’t eat them all at once. Y’know, no one likes to be judged.)

Most taxi rides in Buenos Aires are routine affairs. You get in, go from A to B, and get out. Nothing exciting - completely forgettable.

On the other hand, if you take enough cabs, you will have a few rides that are exceptionally memorable.

On one late-night taxi ride, I had a driver, who I’m pretty sure was drunk, talking at me in rapid-fire Castellano for the whole trip. He had no idea that I didn’t speak his language, and politely kept steady eye contact with me, breaking it only to make the sign of the cross and whisper a quick prayer each time we passed a church.

I was puzzled after the first prayer, but after it became clear that we would not be stopping for intersections, red lights, or pedestrians, I understood and was thankful for it. Rather than stop at these places, he would tap the horn a few times and speed through. I can’t complain, though. I made it home in record time, and I learned that I can continue to be a good listener even when I think I’m about to die.

Also, taxi drivers here speak English more often than you’d think. One morning, as my driver and I were sitting in rush hour traffic, the driver threw his hands up and said “Do you believe this? Same shit, different day. This traffic was the same shit yesterday. Always the same shit at this time!”

The traffic was, in fact, worse than usual because of a protest* going on, and he started to rant about the President, Cristina Fernández de Kirchner: how she’s an idiot, doesn’t know anything about the country, doesn’t care about the people. And then he remarked, “But you know about that! You have Bush! He’s the same shit. The same shit as Kirschner. Everywhere, it’s always the same shit! What do you think about Bush?”

I let him know that I didn’t vote for Bush and quickly changed the subject to the weather, which, for July, was unseasonably warm. “This is our winter!” he said, “Do you believe this! Here, it’s this hot in the winter!** It’s very nice; look at what I’m wearing in the winter! Not like where you come from, right?”

“Well, as a matter of fact,” I said, “I came here from Miami.”

“Oh!” he said, “it’s the same shit there! Always hot! Same shit as here!”

Yep.

But wait a second.

I think warm weather is nice. He had just said he thought so, too. I wouldn’t think of two places that have warm weather as having “the same shit”. Traffic problems - sure. Incompetent politicians - of course. But nice weather? I’d call that having “the same really good thing”.

And then I got it: he thought that “the same shit” simply meant “the same”.

He’d probably heard one of his passengers say “same shit, different day”, didn’t recognize the phrase, and, when he asked what it meant, was hastily told that it just meant “the same”.

I didn’t have it me to correct him, and I don’t mean to make fun of the guy, but I did tip him especially well because I knew I’d definitely get a lot of mileage out of this story.

*North American protesters should take a trip to South America to learn how protesting’s done. Here, you’ll find none of this “honk if you support workers’ rights” garbage. We get all-day events, parades with dozens of giant marching-band drums, abandoned trucks blocking major traffic arteries. One group came up with a catchy song and sang it from the back of a vegetable truck with a microphone, huge speakers, and full-band accompaniment. This is major-league protesting. I don’t how effective it is in terms of getting what they want, but, in terms of performance, these protesters commit.

**Not usually. If you’re coming in July or August, bring a coat. You’ll need it.

For the first time since I’ve been here, there was no line whatsoever at the supermarket. I was in and out in like 10 minutes.

Turns out that today is Mother’s Day (”El Día de la Mamá”) in Argentina.

If you weigh less than 190 lbs, the bridge that crosses the train tracks near Libertador 5400 will probably not collapse under the weight of your body. (As long as you step gingerly.)

If you’re a little heavier, I strongly advise you to use a different route.

Okay. If you’re an American, the last couple of months have probably felt like you’ve been getting screwed by a rhinoceros unusually challenging times. I know this turn of events has added some extra excitement to my life.

There are some things you can do to make yourself feel better, though.

One of them is voting – but, in most states, you have to wait a few more weeks to do it (until Tuesday, November 4th), and it looks like that game is winding down a little early this year, anyway. (Let’s hear it for Florida!)

Still, please vote; it’s never a sure thing until the guy takes office. Especially if you live in Florida or Ohio.

The other, more immediately-gratifying thing you can do is eat panqueques con dulce de leche – one of Argentina’s most significant contributions world happiness:

If you’re in Buenos Aires, Miami, or New York, you should make your way to Novecento. I used to live across the street from the one in Brickell (Miami). Take my word for it on this one. Order the panqueques, with ice cream.

In the likely event that you don’t live in any of those places though, or, in the even more likely even that you’re on a budget, you’ve got to take a slightly longer road to get your panqueques.

First, go to Pip In the City, (the source of the picture above) and get her recipe. Pip has graciously provided it as a public service to the entire world.

Second, find someone who you love very much.

Next, find some way to get that person to make the panqueques for you.

Finally, eat the panqueques.

After taking these four simple steps, I guarantee you’ll feel much, much better about everything.

Since I’ve come to Buenos Aires, I’ve had a few different living situations. I’ve stayed in a corporate hotel (which I don’t recommend) in Recoleta, in a friendly bed & breakfast in Boedo, in an apartment by myself in Palermo Soho, and with roommates in Monsterrat and San Telmo. Now I’m back on my own, this time in Las Cañitas (which is phenomenal).

Yesterday, I mentioned that the buses in this city run all night, a fact I discovered during my two-week-long stay in Montserrat. My apartment was on a street called Santiago del Estero, a block and a half away from Avenida de Mayo (which leads to the building that houses the Argentine Congress), and three or four blocks away from Avenida 9 de Julio (one of the widest streets in the world, in the middle of which you will find a miniature Washington Monument.)

The place was cheap, the building seemed nice, and my two roommates – a 33-year-old British woman in love with Argentina and a 24-year-old Australian man traveling the world in search of ideas for his next invention (though he would never reveal any of his previous ideas) – were welcoming.

But the sound of passing buses literally shook my room day and night. A can of Coke left on my nightstand for more than ten minutes would have exploded for sure if you opened it too soon after picking it up.

The speakers on my computer weren’t up to the job of drowning out the sounds of the street, and it seemed rude to be wearing headphones whenever I stayed inside.

I did have one blank CD, though, and we did have a stereo (without an auxiliary input). In retrospect, it might have been worth the few pesos it would have cost to buy a few more blank discs, but I never got around to it, and the songs listed below were played so often over the course of those two weeks that I’ll probably never play any of them on purpose again.

So I pass them on to you! They work really well for blocking out unpleasant noise, and, unlike just about anything else in life, work a lot better if used in moderation.

Like my last playlist, the only song not on the iMix is a mashup by The Hood Internet, and is linked to a free download. It’s replaced on the iMix by the original versions of the two songs that were mashed together.

1. “The Best of What’s Around” by Dave Matthews Band
2. “New York, New York” by Ryan Adams
3. “American Girls” by Counting Crows
4. “A Murder of One” by Counting Crows
5. “Summer of ‘69″ by Bryan Adams
6. “You Might Think” by The Cars
7. “Oh Yoko!” by John Lennon
8. “Two Points for Honesty” by Guster
9. “Beat It” (feat. John Mayer) by Fall Out Boy
10. “Lyric” by Zwan
11. “Hands of Time” by Groove Armada
12. “Feel Good Inc.” by Gorillaz
13. “Tambourine Reckoning” - Eve (feat. Swizz Beats) vs. Radiohead by The Hood Internet
14. “Paper Planes” by M.I.A.
15. “Stop and Stare” by OneRepublic
16. “All These Things That I’ve Done” by The Killers
17. “Kids” by MGMT
18. “Breathe Me” (Mylo Remix) by Sia
19. “What You Got” (feat. Akon) by Colby O’Donis

Buenos Aires is not, as far as I know, known for its great Chinese food. However, if you happen to be in the Las Cañitas neighborhood (which is where all the cool kids, including me, live), there’s a take-out only place called Min-Min which makes a mean chao mi fen con verduras (vegetable chow mei fun - like lo mein, but with very thin rice noodles). There are two nearly identical locations: one at Migueletes 623 and one at Olleros 1767. (There’s also a different, nice-looking Chinese place on Maure, but I haven’t tried that one yet - I’ll let you know when I do.)

Speaking of good Chinese takeout, if you happen to be in Miami, Florida, Kim’s Chinese Restaurant in South Beach (at 1245 Lincoln Road) is the best you’ll find, and it’s not bad at all. The only thing they don’t do very well is General Tso’s Chicken.

This leads me to my final recommendation of the morning: if you want the best General Tso’s Chicken in America (and, in all likelihood, all of the Americas) you have to go to New York, a fact that surely comes as no surprise. The place from which you have to order, though, may surprise you quite a bit. It’s called Wu Liang Ye (at 215 East 86th Street, between 2nd and 3rd Avenues; there are also locations in midtown on Lexington Avenue and on West 48th Street - but I’ve never been to either of them), and it looks like a typical Manhattan Chinese place, which it pretty much is. Except for the all-white meat General Tso’s.

To get the best version, you can’t simply order the General Tso’s Chicken. You have to specifically ask for it with all white meat, and they’ll do it for you, no questions asked. The difference is striking, and I expect thank-you notes from the people who take my advice on this one. I mean, I’m telling you about life-changing General Tso’s here.