I know for a fact that most people have a certain collection of songs kickin’ around their computer, closet, or whatever. The songs are around, you bought them or downloaded them - you did, whether you admit or not - and, although you like them, you kind of hope that no one knows you have them, and you hope they don’t get played in certain, public situations.

This is my list of those kinds of songs:

(By the way, I’ve never played them all at once, which counts for something.)

“We Built This City” by Starship.
True story: A few years ago, I heard this song on the radio for the first time in a long time, and thought “Oh, I love this song!” Turns out the radio station was only playing it because Blender magazine named it “the #1 Most Awesomely Bad Song Ever”. I continue to disagree.

“Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey.
“Hold on to that feeeeeelin!” You know what’s awesome? When you’re at a party, the music suddenly stops, and you’re only on about the fourth “e” in “feeeeeelin’”. And you’re the only one singing.

“Oh l’Amour” by Erasure.
Try not to play this in front of that girl who obviously has a crush on your married friend, especially if she’s drunk enough to literally drool a little tipsy. Unless you like excruciatingly awkward situations. In that case, by all means, play this song and turn up the volume.

“Make Me Smile (Come Up and See Me)” by Erasure.
Also, try not to follow up “Oh l’Amour” with this song. Not an easy one to dance to. It can inspire dancing that is a combination of stripper, psychopath, and taser victim.

“Dragostea Din Tei” by O-ZONE.
This one falls into the be-careful-when-you-sing-along-to-it category, as well. Don’t do the exaggerated facial expressions, either. You just can’t count on everyone you’re with having seen one of the most popular viral videos in the history of the Internet:

But you know what? Even without the fat guy, it’s a catchy tune. I really think so. T.I. and Rihanna seem to agree.

“Breaking the Law” by Judas Priest.
Good idea to turn this one down while a cop is writing you a speeding ticket. Even better idea to make sure some idiot who you don’t really know isn’t in the car, staring down the cop, singing along with a defiant anger that he should’ve outgrown by the time he was 17.

“I Want to Break Free” by Queen.
This song has actually never embarrassed me. I like the song. Can’t say either of those things about the video:

“Somebody to Love” by Queen.
Queen doesn’t get the respect they deserve. Most people’s reactions to this song have made this fact crystal clear to me.

“Second Chance” by .38 Special.
The sentimental melody complements a touching plea for forgiveness from an unfaithful boyfriend. Actual lyrics from the song: “I never loved her, I never needed her. She was willing, and that’s all there is to say.”

“I Guess That’s Why They Call It the Blues” by Elton John.
Car full of guys + Elton John = 100% chance of homophobic remarks thrown your way, and a 20% chance of being called “Elton”. For the rest of your life.

“Africa” by Toto.
This is a song that I’m convinced everyone in the world secretly loves. And yet, it seems everyone’s too cool to admit it, and too cool to resist asking, “What is this shit?”

“Gimme Shelter” by Holy Soldier.
I make no apologies for the Soldier. This version is better than the Stones’ version, and I really don’t care about anyone else’s position on the matter.

“Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” by the Backstreet Boys.
Not gonna even try to defend this one. I have it. Deal with it. Stop smirking.

“If Only” by Hanson.
Okay, now I can see you shifting in your seat.

“Be with You” by Enrique Iglesias, “Verme” by Baby Ranks and Notch, and “Me Duele Amarte” by Reik.
The Latin American Division. Heterosexual white guys who play these songs in public know that the giggles and rolls of the eyes are coming, and are prepared for them. Besides, “Verme” and “Me Duele Amarte” are good opportunities to practice speaking Spanish.

“Heaven” by DJ Sammy.
Another cover that is superior to the original. Most people make fun of both. I appreciate both. Usually when I’m by myself.

“Man In the Mirror” by Michael Jackson.
So Jacko turned out to be a pedophile and a weirdo of the highest order. I feel that the work should be separate from the man. Still, it’s hard to play this one without the conversation automatically turning to MJ, and that’s never a good thing.

“Hide and Seek” by Imogen Heap.
“I love this song! Wait, you watch The OC?”
‘Um, noooooo. I heard it somewhere else.’
“Where?”
‘Let’s talk about something else.’

The iMixis ready and posted. I know that some of you, one way or another, will be acquiring some of these, so don’t even try to pull that mock-disapproval attitude with me. Don’t. Even. Try.